Really Struggling

I'm just going to be totally honest and I might end up erasing this.

I don't want help, I just want to be honest. I don't want advice I just want to say where I'm at.
I'm really, really sad about some relationship bumps that I've had.
I'm feeling so inadequate about teaching and keeping my home going.
I'm feeling so frustrated with who I am and yet I want to be something different and sometimes I can't.
I miss my sister bonds really bad.
I'm deeply sorrowed for certain family members who have hard things to deal with.

I'm deeply sadened by my sin. I often (and today is one of those days) ask God why He made me so passionate? Why am I in this neighborhood? Why do I have infestation of ants when I'm the cleanest lady I know...

Why am I not the little lady in church that everyone loves that is humble and quiet and keeps to herself? Why can't I be like that? Why am I always offending people? Why is it so hard to keep my mouth closed and please everybody? Why do I crave deep relationships? Why do I want to serve? Why do I get hurt? Why am I so odd? Why don't I fit her in So Cal (and other places..)Why can't I be the lady with 4 kids? (you know what I mean)

The pain and loss of several people in my life lately have really gripped me. I don't want to do homeschool and clean house and do ministry. I just want to sit on the grass and hold my children's hands, and play. I can't get it all done and it stresses me and creates discord in my soul that I don't seem to be doing it all. I'm in relationships that I don't want to be in,but seem to be right in front of me for a reason. I want to be with the people I want to be with and I don't know how to make that happen and my soul aches for that.

But my biggest reason for being sad today is sin...people are lying about me, people are mean to me and people misunderstand me...perhaps because of me. I know because of sin. I just hate it. I want to go to heaven to see Jesus and worship and have banquets (and not get fat). I'm just feeling really fragile today and want to run away to Jamaica and sell seashells on the seashore and live in a hut on the water's edge and walk. I don't want to be flawless and fearless and fancy.

So as mixed up and crazy as this email sounds, this is what I'm thankful for.
1. My solid as a rock husband who holds me usually so gently and takes my mixed up words
2. For a saviour who really does want to rescue me and bring to a place of contentment, joy and willing heart.
3. For a son who never takes a nap that is taking a nap now so I can pour my heart
4. For my other son, who usually takes a nap, sleeping at the same time as number1 son, so I can pour my heart out.

I'm going to end in a prayer because I can and because I need to...
"Dear Loving, Gracious Father. I need you to come and rescue me. I'm so broken and so sinful and so sad. I want things I can't have. I don't think things are fair. This is a hard week for me doing things I'm not sure I can do. I feel really attacked by the outside world and I know that part of that is because I'm close to you and Satan is trying to hinder your work. Please help me rise to your challenge of walking the narrow road. I'm really wanting your way, but am having a hard time seeing past my ants, my dishes and my sin. "