Thursday, July 28, 2011
Weight Loss Progress Photo
Learning that I'm a Lion
This past week has been full of "lioness" behaviour. I mean, I'm so immersed in my anger that it's just oozing out everywhere. I'm not gracious, I'm judgmental, I'm not gentle, I want to go sit in the tub for hours, I find it hard to have many great friends for both my boys, I have 2 owies, I got unjustly accused of something (by a cop and then got told I was not a good mom by the cop), have had a visit from 7 police and CPS folks (yes, they now know we are the ones they go to if they need help with neighborhood stuff-that's a whole 'nuther blog) haven't lost a pound in 2 weeks, got a knee injury so now I'm out of running for this week (makes me VERY grumpy and panicky thinking I might stay this chubby forever or worse! I might gain weight) Alan and I have not had a date to speak of in a long time, I've gotten multiple reports from sister one that sister two isn't doing well at all again, Alan has worked overtime most EVERY day and even weekends for 6 straight weeks now (last night he came home "early" at 6:30 and we tried to be responsible and go get a printer (2nd try at this) through Craigslist and got shown up again so there's another evening shot) and a couple of my dear friends have had ailments so strong and hard that my heart feels like it's in a constant state of panic. In addition, I've served in our church from one thing to another and realized that I haven't gone into "big" service (only once) in 8 weeks. To mention just another thing, I am trying to learn photoshop, put together my new website with all my updated stuff on it so I can hand out my biz cards and people will actually see my new stuff and book with me so I can come visit you and other fun stuff, and edit my current session...AFTER THE KIDS GO TO BED...so I'm tired.
Do you think I've had much time with the Lord? no. AND.I'M.CRAVING.IT. Bad...I feel like I'm normally a happy go lucky girl, with much grace, cheerfulness and energy to fuel several "normal" energy-level people. But I realize that I AM A MESS WITHOUT JESUS. I cannot do this on my own. I cannot be creative, loving, gently, gracious without Him. I have no energy, and I cannot even lose a pound without his help.
This realization has made me more angry. It's made me lose a sense of "you can do anything you want princess barbie". I read recently a blog post that said, "you can do everything...you can be a good wife and good Christian and have a good business too." UM...you cannot WITHOUT JESUS..and some SERIOUS responsibility and tracking/focus. I feel like I'm doing 178 things "o.k." but nothing with excellence...well, except maybe how I mother..I love being a mother. (but even that is largely due to the fact that I have tons of support from the father unit and money from him) O.k. so back to what I'm not good at...being me without THEE.
I want to be kind. I think I really do. I don't want to judge. I want to be a gracious woman. But these past couple weeks, I don't even know how to do it..it's like I feel like I'm swimming in a 4ft.deep kiddie pool and I'm the awkward-slap-the-water kid who has taken a million swimming lessons and still can't get it! Maybe it's because I'm going through my rebellion phase now? I wanna be carefree and live this glamorous life and you know what? That's just not what I'm called to do. I don't like doing all the chores all the time and being the one who has to wipe the toilet down EVERY.SINGLE.TIME.I.GO.INTO.THE.BATHROOM. I feel like I have better things to do...more glamorous and important business and life things.
I need direction for daily life. The past few weeks Skye and I have noticed a lot more homeless/transient people around. One day after our altercation with the cop, Skye said, "No wonder there are so many people who have given up! It's really hard to obey the law when the guys in charge are boastful and you are trying to pay your taxes and use all your money to do things right!" I sort of agree...it's hard to keep doing the right thing when it seems, that at every turn, there is opposition. I talked with him a little bit about not getting too comfortable with this life and how there is a reason we struggle here...so we long to go home. Not in a martyr type way, just in a pricking sort of way.....as if God is reminding me that I am not comfortable or in control in this world and I will not survive unless I'm under HIS DAILY CARE.
So, this next week, I'm going to try and choose one area to not be so angry about...or feel like the whole world is picking on me. I'm going to not be snappy to my husband and I'm really going to try and let God's peace and love flood over and through me so I don't have to feel this yucky all the time. Will you pray for me? will you pray for our marriage? That is what i want...I don't want to do the yucky work, but I want the fruit and that's not good. I haven't even been craving what I should be.
Here's an ending though, so at least I try to make you walk away with a sense of "PG" feel good... "The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases..." i know the rest of that verse, but that first part...the word "steadfast" stood out to me. It's consistent, it's always there, it's day-by-day...moment-by-moment...that's what I need...if God were here on earth living in my neighborhood in a physical sort of way, I might be one of those little girls who would do well with a sticker chart...except on my sticker chart it would have reminders of how much He loves me and LONGS.TO.BE.WITH.ME. And everytime I entered into that, I would get a gold star...and my chart would shine, and glisten and be beautiful...
Do you think I've had much time with the Lord? no. AND.I'M.CRAVING.IT. Bad...I feel like I'm normally a happy go lucky girl, with much grace, cheerfulness and energy to fuel several "normal" energy-level people. But I realize that I AM A MESS WITHOUT JESUS. I cannot do this on my own. I cannot be creative, loving, gently, gracious without Him. I have no energy, and I cannot even lose a pound without his help.
This realization has made me more angry. It's made me lose a sense of "you can do anything you want princess barbie". I read recently a blog post that said, "you can do everything...you can be a good wife and good Christian and have a good business too." UM...you cannot WITHOUT JESUS..and some SERIOUS responsibility and tracking/focus. I feel like I'm doing 178 things "o.k." but nothing with excellence...well, except maybe how I mother..I love being a mother. (but even that is largely due to the fact that I have tons of support from the father unit and money from him) O.k. so back to what I'm not good at...being me without THEE.
I want to be kind. I think I really do. I don't want to judge. I want to be a gracious woman. But these past couple weeks, I don't even know how to do it..it's like I feel like I'm swimming in a 4ft.deep kiddie pool and I'm the awkward-slap-the-water kid who has taken a million swimming lessons and still can't get it! Maybe it's because I'm going through my rebellion phase now? I wanna be carefree and live this glamorous life and you know what? That's just not what I'm called to do. I don't like doing all the chores all the time and being the one who has to wipe the toilet down EVERY.SINGLE.TIME.I.GO.INTO.THE.BATHROOM. I feel like I have better things to do...more glamorous and important business and life things.
I need direction for daily life. The past few weeks Skye and I have noticed a lot more homeless/transient people around. One day after our altercation with the cop, Skye said, "No wonder there are so many people who have given up! It's really hard to obey the law when the guys in charge are boastful and you are trying to pay your taxes and use all your money to do things right!" I sort of agree...it's hard to keep doing the right thing when it seems, that at every turn, there is opposition. I talked with him a little bit about not getting too comfortable with this life and how there is a reason we struggle here...so we long to go home. Not in a martyr type way, just in a pricking sort of way.....as if God is reminding me that I am not comfortable or in control in this world and I will not survive unless I'm under HIS DAILY CARE.
So, this next week, I'm going to try and choose one area to not be so angry about...or feel like the whole world is picking on me. I'm going to not be snappy to my husband and I'm really going to try and let God's peace and love flood over and through me so I don't have to feel this yucky all the time. Will you pray for me? will you pray for our marriage? That is what i want...I don't want to do the yucky work, but I want the fruit and that's not good. I haven't even been craving what I should be.
Here's an ending though, so at least I try to make you walk away with a sense of "PG" feel good... "The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases..." i know the rest of that verse, but that first part...the word "steadfast" stood out to me. It's consistent, it's always there, it's day-by-day...moment-by-moment...that's what I need...if God were here on earth living in my neighborhood in a physical sort of way, I might be one of those little girls who would do well with a sticker chart...except on my sticker chart it would have reminders of how much He loves me and LONGS.TO.BE.WITH.ME. And everytime I entered into that, I would get a gold star...and my chart would shine, and glisten and be beautiful...
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