Vision

One thing I've been meaning to do is form a bucket list. So, here I begin. I'm learning to listen to those things that make my soul happy without letting the distractions of my soul clutter that.
I really don't have a good order to this, but here are some:

Have an office
Do one photo shoot a month and still have balance
Weigh 140 and have bulging arm muscles
Visit Spain and take photos of arches, bougainvillea and water fountains
Go on another cruise
Get asked to share about photography tips
Get asked to share about my weight loss/getting healthy journey
Get asked to share about homeschool in these times.
Have my husband get a job he loves....

O.k. so what are some of yours?

Weight Loss Progress Photo

I found this old picture...well, o.k. it's not too old, one and a half years ago..wow. I guess I do feel a bit better about my weight loss! My cousin (in this pic) has also lost a lot of weight too. fun.

Learning that I'm a Lion

This past week has been full of "lioness" behaviour. I mean, I'm so immersed in my anger that it's just oozing out everywhere. I'm not gracious, I'm judgmental, I'm not gentle, I want to go sit in the tub for hours, I find it hard to have many great friends for both my boys, I have 2 owies, I got unjustly accused of something (by a cop and then got told I was not a good mom by the cop), have had a visit from 7 police and CPS folks (yes, they now know we are the ones they go to if they need help with neighborhood stuff-that's a whole 'nuther blog) haven't lost a pound in 2 weeks, got a knee injury so now I'm out of running for this week (makes me VERY grumpy and panicky thinking I might stay this chubby forever or worse! I might gain weight) Alan and I have not had a date to speak of in a long time, I've gotten multiple reports from sister one that sister two isn't doing well at all again, Alan has worked overtime most EVERY day and even weekends for 6 straight weeks now (last night he came home "early" at 6:30 and we tried to be responsible and go get a printer (2nd try at this) through Craigslist and got shown up again so there's another evening shot) and a couple of my dear friends have had ailments so strong and hard that my heart feels like it's in a constant state of panic. In addition, I've served in our church from one thing to another and realized that I haven't gone into "big" service (only once) in 8 weeks. To mention just another thing, I am trying to learn photoshop, put together my new website with all my updated stuff on it so I can hand out my biz cards and people will actually see my new stuff and book with me so I can come visit you and other fun stuff, and edit my current session...AFTER THE KIDS GO TO BED...so I'm tired.

Do you think I've had much time with the Lord? no. AND.I'M.CRAVING.IT. Bad...I feel like I'm normally a happy go lucky girl, with much grace, cheerfulness and energy to fuel several "normal" energy-level people. But I realize that I AM A MESS WITHOUT JESUS. I cannot do this on my own. I cannot be creative, loving, gently, gracious without Him. I have no energy, and I cannot even lose a pound without his help.

This realization has made me more angry. It's made me lose a sense of "you can do anything you want princess barbie". I read recently a blog post that said, "you can do everything...you can be a good wife and good Christian and have a good business too." UM...you cannot WITHOUT JESUS..and some SERIOUS responsibility and tracking/focus. I feel like I'm doing 178 things "o.k." but nothing with excellence...well, except maybe how I mother..I love being a mother. (but even that is largely due to the fact that I have tons of support from the father unit and money from him) O.k. so back to what I'm not good at...being me without THEE.

I want to be kind. I think I really do. I don't want to judge. I want to be a gracious woman. But these past couple weeks, I don't even know how to do it..it's like I feel like I'm swimming in a 4ft.deep kiddie pool and I'm the awkward-slap-the-water kid who has taken a million swimming lessons and still can't get it! Maybe it's because I'm going through my rebellion phase now? I wanna be carefree and live this glamorous life and you know what? That's just not what I'm called to do. I don't like doing all the chores all the time and being the one who has to wipe the toilet down EVERY.SINGLE.TIME.I.GO.INTO.THE.BATHROOM. I feel like I have better things to do...more glamorous and important business and life things.

I need direction for daily life. The past few weeks Skye and I have noticed a lot more homeless/transient people around. One day after our altercation with the cop, Skye said, "No wonder there are so many people who have given up! It's really hard to obey the law when the guys in charge are boastful and you are trying to pay your taxes and use all your money to do things right!" I sort of agree...it's hard to keep doing the right thing when it seems, that at every turn, there is opposition. I talked with him a little bit about not getting too comfortable with this life and how there is a reason we struggle here...so we long to go home. Not in a martyr type way, just in a pricking sort of way.....as if God is reminding me that I am not comfortable or in control in this world and I will not survive unless I'm under HIS DAILY CARE.

So, this next week, I'm going to try and choose one area to not be so angry about...or feel like the whole world is picking on me. I'm going to not be snappy to my husband and I'm really going to try and let God's peace and love flood over and through me so I don't have to feel this yucky all the time. Will you pray for me? will you pray for our marriage? That is what i want...I don't want to do the yucky work, but I want the fruit and that's not good. I haven't even been craving what I should be.

Here's an ending though, so at least I try to make you walk away with a sense of "PG" feel good... "The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases..." i know the rest of that verse, but that first part...the word "steadfast" stood out to me. It's consistent, it's always there, it's day-by-day...moment-by-moment...that's what I need...if God were here on earth living in my neighborhood in a physical sort of way, I might be one of those little girls who would do well with a sticker chart...except on my sticker chart it would have reminders of how much He loves me and LONGS.TO.BE.WITH.ME. And everytime I entered into that, I would get a gold star...and my chart would shine, and glisten and be beautiful...

Easter Prep

I'd love some ideas on how to make this Easter season really come alive to my kids. All I've got so far is some resurrection eggs. I know that's a start, but anyone done any prep already that they'd like to share?

Soul time

I haven't had any lately and then had 4 little shots right in a row. 

I got to talk to my dear friend, I got to visit 7-Eleven, which is by the way, my new favorite coffee place for "better-than-the-airplane-cup" experience, all for less than $1.60 and 20 ounces with steamed milk included!! Ahhh!! O.k .and the third was this song I posted on my FB account, O Sole Mio..

http://ilvolomusic.com/default.aspx

and I just cried!! I realize that God has made me to love music. I don't like rap and stuff like hate music, but I can just about cry at any good piece of heart and soul type...ya know?

Another thing that I  just will cherish forever is our sledding trip...just to be with the kids and watch them really play and have no boundaries...this makes my heart satisfied and I think the reason why is just because I can see them how God sees me and how it was originally intended to be...kids who can enjoy God's creation safely and securely. Ya know? I also saw my husband smiling, laughing and sledding, which was sort of a big deal for him to sit and trust and just let go!

Teaching can fill me up to especially when I actually can plow through my schedule like no tomorrow and the kids respond and seem to get it. Ahh, thank you Lord for these moments as I feel sometimes like I need to be removed from this equation as I make so many mistakes and can't seem to get a lot of things right!

"Blessed is the man who soul finds rest in you." 

February...my dreaded month

Well, about all I can muster up to type tonight because I'm totally exhausted...is happy birthday to my boy in heaven. I know, hard, but this is why the title is my dreaded month. I'm happy that he's with Jesus and healthy (I heard Jesus tell me so) and that I didn't have to suffer through his possible health concerns. On the other hand, I see ChaseRay and how perfect he is and Skye Pierce and how perfect he is and I just can't help pondering that.

I feel loved today. We went on a long walk and had frozen yogurt and took pictures of what I do have, which was good for me. I'm sad on one level, but trying to turn my sadness into prayers for others who have lost loved ones. It's just not easy. Today he would have been 4. I wonder what kind of cake he's eating up there? Would he be my strawberry boy? hmm...

Happy Birthday my sweet Abbott. Thank you for going to play with Jesus so I could hold your brother Chase Ray in my arms. Thanks for letting me, Jesus, get so close to you by having that time and please help those who have lost babies and toddlers and older children...comfort them and give them hope. Amen.

What a Day

So much I'm doing and thinking about and praying. On FB I posted how many people I want to pray for. I think I could make it a full time position. I just love having a need and praying through it with someone. When I was 17 I made a journal where I entered each and every wish I had and then on the right, when God answered the prayer. I'm sure most of them were something along the lines of, "Dear God, make me hot" or "Dear God, make Chris like me" or something like that. But, i remember entering more serious  prayer requests about my parents, about the revolution in the Philippines about trusting God with my heart as I had no idea even to know myself. I think I'm gonna start doing this again because as the bible encourages us,

(Psalms 119:114 NKJV) You are my hiding place and my shield; I hope in Your word

(Psalms 31:24 NKJV) Be of good courage, And He shall strengthen your heart, All you who hope in the LORD

(Psalms 16:8-9 NKJV) I have set the LORD always before me; Because He is at my right hand I shall not be moved. Therefore my heart is glad, and my glory rejoices; My flesh also will rest in hope.

I also remember this song:

My hope is built on nothing less
Than Jesus’ blood and righteousness.
I dare not trust the sweetest frame,
But wholly trust in Jesus’ Name.

 This is good news as I pray for many friends with kids in need, have cancer, parents health failing, siblings health failing, jobs not working out, husbands not being man enough, wives being lazy, children not obeying or having significant health and healing issues....

This morning at breakfast as Alan read the morning devotions to us (I know, perfect dream eh?) he was talking about controlling our feelings. I never think about telling God that I want him to change how I react to things, naturally. I guess I just normally assume I'm gonna respond correctly or mature. I don't. I want to encourage you to respond in hope. Think about what God HAS done. Then take a breath in and be quiet and think about that again. I have not been through much fire and I don't really want to, but I do want to be more like Jesus which means there is less of the impulsive-negative-reaction-Lisa and more of the breath-in, be hopefilled-and-pause-Lisa.

I start our new semester tomorrow and I'm not very prepared because I was cleaning my house and playing with my kids and working on my business. That was just a random added note, there.

here's a picture that reminds me to be filled with hope because it reminds me of all the ways God talks about the ocean and it's vast measure and bounty. The rolling waves, how he knows how many grains of sand and just the beauty of it..it's good to soak that all in.

Happy New Year!

About one year ago I posted. I miss blogging because it forces me to journal and I realize that even though I don't particularly love to blog, I need the release it gives my soul and I certainly love your comments.
Last year was a very difficult year for my marriage. A lot of ideas and dreams and expectations that I had were dashed. A few health complications and a lot of vocational bumps for Alan and we were moved to do something drastically different.
My biggest defense was prayer. I felt like Lord told me to just let him sleep. Don't bring up any marriage expectations or fears or dreams, just pray for rest. I did a lot of talking through things with my closest friends and relatives. Asked a lot of questions and cried a lot.
At times when I'm struggling I can feel really distant from my Father. But this year I didn't feel distant. In addition to figuring out how to get Alan sleeping well again, I began a life style change of eating and exercising. It has taken every ounce of "gumption" and energy to stay on track. I'm pleased to say that although my husband was very resistant at first (as I'm sure he felt like, "here we go again") we have pushed through and our total weight loss has been..drum roll...

108 pounds lost!!

I still have about 50 pounds to lose, but even that doesn't seem out of the question, HOPEFULLY!

After a lot of processing, some mentoring and time spent in prayer and meditation with God, I can honestly say I am over-the-top grateful for a better day.

One thing I have been thinking a bunch about is to post all of the accomplishments in terms of life style changes with eating and exercising. One goal I had was to do 100 push ups by the end of this year...and I did it!

SO HERE'S MY QUESTION....will you post what accomplishments you've had this year? So we can all see?