Forgiveness and more grace

I find that I really want to hold onto things. People are just plain sinful a lot of times. They think of their schedules first, they think of their desires and what's convenient for them.

I'm not sure if it's that I build an expectation into things that if they don't look this way or that and if they don't fall in my category of "good enough" that I just want to be done, or what...I'm really not good at maintaining "not deep" relationshps where the other person isn't interested in sharing all things with me. Well, o.k. not all things, but you know what I mean...I like deep. I don't like surface. I like people to be humble towards me and that really spurs me on to be humble back. I don't like burning any bridges and feel that if I come up against someone who doesn't believe that way I do, I slowly move away and start to try and eliminate that person from my circle. I wonder what God thinks about this?

I was thinking this morning that I'm too involved with too many people I think. I really like to talk with people and find out what God is doing for them and really want to know. I watch movies like "REIGN OVER ME" and see how people just take others for where they are at and don't judge...I can't do that.. I'm just like, "if you aren't moving forward, you're moving backward and I don't need that". I'm not good at just sitting in something for a while and not moving forward. I feel like I can identify sin really fast and I just really want to tell the other person how they can change. It's not like I'm thinking I don't have anything to change, I just want to help them. I don't even want to be the hero, I don't think, I just want to see how God can move in them. I don't know..I just know I end up feeling really stuck sometimes...like MOST of the people I meet really don't need/want me (or my way of doing things) and so that brings me to the next thought----

How can I change? Do I need to change? Is this normal to have 5-10 people that you just LOVE, and then the rest of the population where you just wave hi to and talk about kid's and their chicken pox and how you are trying to lose weight and how you think that neighbor's grass is looking greener and what company they used... and that's it.

And how does passion fit into this? I just find that I'm ALWAYS saying things I'd rather not have said...or at least I'm feeling that my 'AUDIENCE' out here is not interested..like they want to see how big the boys are and how cute their outfits are and how's Alan's job and how do I like teaching school...but then that's about it. I want to talk about miracles and change and what's God doing for you and how did I not handle that situation correctly etc., etc., etc....

I really want to be the church lady that everyone loves and thinks is so gracious..but I just keep finding that I have this LOUD and very rebellious streak...like I really do want to say to people..."let's take care of this sin, toss it into the sea forever and move forward to freedom"...but I"m finding that 1. people don't want that and 2. people don't want me to do that for them in my awkward and perhaps not gentle way. and 3. what I want to be good at, I'm not.

And I run into so many new people allthe time and I think what I'm partly tasting in my mouth is just a chance for "old" and "used to" and "home"...some of those people that are used to me, that love me despite, that I don't have to prove anything to, that are o.k. that I'm not a size 7, 1 year after having my baby, that I am awkward and a little annoying and sort of judgemental, but that they see Christ in me and see that I really want to change and I don't want to be this sin. That can overlook my wrongs, because they hopefully see more Christ-like "rights".

Oh Lord, please forgive me for being so stubborn and so judgemental. Forgive me for wanting someplace different and not wanting to be in this place. I want to be gracious and I'm just not. I want to stand up for you in a humble, life changing way and I think sometimes I get in the way. I'm confused and don't know how to do this well. Please bring a little bit of "home" to me soon. And please help me with my tongue when I'm at home so I don't bring the negative of this to my children. I'm homesick a little. You can fill those places in me that no one else can. You know what I can handle and you ask me to handle more so that I must lean on you. Thank you for giving me the self discipline to wake up this mornign and for letting my boys sleep so that I can type here and pray and process. YOU ARE MY ONLY HOPE LORD AND I TRUST YOU TO MOVE 'ME' ASIDE AND REPLACE IT WITH YOU. Amen.