Great day to journal..only read if you want the real me!

So Jen came over today and swam in the late morning. She had her niece and her eldest son, Dillon. I was really having a hard time with some emotional things in my life. I just have felt like I don't measure up as a friend and sometimes I talk with people and they don't ask me questions back and they just really don't seem to care on the level that I care..then I start thinking.."am I talking about something so weird or off that they can't wait for me to stop talking so they can change topics?" I just try and not play that game in my head and when the conversation starts to do that or someone starts to do that to me, I now just politely excuse myself, instead of giving in to it. AT some level I think it comes from being young and talking a lot and not knowing how to process this very imaginative brain of mine and I just wasn't taught how to process complex emotions. You're sad Lisa? Cry for a moment, wipe your tears and get on with life (that's more from my dad than my mom) You're angry Lisa? Well, don't be angry, cuz it's a sin. So, now that I've had some of these feelings raging inside of me, I used to just take it out on the other person, try and talk my way through it (which made me into a really great friend, I'm sure!) or just be this "insecure" sinful little creature and feel sorry for myself. I didn't tap into journaling, venting to God (let your requests be made know to God and the peace of God which transcends all...) or telling God stuff that made me feel this way or that..so what I ended up with is trying to get my worth and my "good Lisa feelings" from others.
I still really struggle with this, but I have learned that just because I'm feeling a little hormonal, irritated, frustrated..I can say it out loud and it helps me. "I'm tempted to be really angry right now with that comment" or so on... O.k. so I'm leaving out major portions of stuff in this, but hopefully this is encouraging and you get the gist.
I'm better (altho Alan will tell you that sometimes I just shout out stuff and we all stop and look at me while I gather my uncontrolled self and figure it out and come back to the 'table'!) and all this to say that today was a good day. I was feeling really lonely earlier int he week..like I had given to folks and not got a lot back and then realized it was MomSpace (my women's bbstudy) and just knew I couldn't go..like I'd be tempted to look around for someone to confirm/affirm/validate my feelings.. and that's just what they were..feelings.. I really wasn't allowing the holy spirit to help me keep captive on my thoughts, rein in those sinful thoughts..all those verses come to mind..I was just "sewing" to them. So I didn't go and instead Jen came swimming and we just talked heart to heart..not like we uncovered a bunch of heavy and tremendous stuff, but it was so good to not have my guard up and just tell her where I was at and I knew she would listen and tell me where she was at..and not try and pretend or talk like she was somewhere she wasn't with God (I just LOVE that about her) .
Our kids played well together, Alan came home to start his vacation and he was here with Chase and I just got to play with Skye and swim. And the villagers weren't out at the pool today, so we pretty much had it to ourselves.. and we got to eat McDonald's egg mcmuffin sandwiches..oh--and I got to sip on coffee and a little Baileys while I was swimming...WHAT??? That is THE NEW bon-bon ladies and gentlemen...a little egg mcmuffin, a little McDonalds coffee and "cream"!

Oh, and another great thing that happened today..I got "Shopping for Time" and "Disciplines For Life..steps to spiritual strength" one by Mrs. Mahaney and one by Mr. Thank you Lord for the way they write and encourage me.