Have You Seen...

the bumper sticker that says, "Mean People Suck"? I know I don't like that word either, really. (and my mother doesn't like me to use it) Well, I feel like I bring out the "mean" in people...or at least the not-so-loving. Read on for some good revelations and be careful, it's raw 'me'.

I've had some situations lately, in and out of my church, where I'm still left questioning why I served these people and why they were "mean". I keep going back and forth with the idea of mean and what it means to be that way. I've also been pushed in another direction of questioning my motives and my heart and why it makes me sad.

Here are some pushes for you to consider with hope...
1. I am to serve the Lord, not men. I know this seems like a really simple verse, but it's really hard for me. I want to have friends that WANT to serve me. I want to have friends that I WANT to serve...like an even exchange of commodities--except without the "expectation" part of that. But in a way, I do want there to be expectations. For example, the whole loyalty thing.
2. I think I'm a really hard person to serve. I don't know why and I'm still really praying about this. My hunch is that I set high expectations for myself and perhaps others feel like they are being pushed to meet these too, with serving me? I'm not sure.
3. I am not a good minister of reconciliation and perhaps this is why God is pushing me to serve, without expecting ANYTHING in return. I'm reading here in 2 Cor. where it says that I am a minister of reconciliation. But have you ever met anyone that you would NEVER reconcile with or approach because they are too proud, OR at least look that way. I need to offer this hope of kindness and reconciliation...but I'm still figuring out how to do this in a healthy way in a friendship. I have an old acquaintance that is not a healthy person. She is pretty clingy, and then sometimes not clingy but super forgetful, books multiple appointments in one day, then calls me up and forgets we had said we would meet..etc...etc...it just seems like she doesn't give herself any space to be still. I don't want to be around her. She makes me feel like the character on SNOOPY, pigpen. All confused in my own dust, just trying to scramble around in circles. But how do I do that? I can't just put a sign on me that says, "OUT TO LUNCH". Here's an even bigger rabbit trail--I've read and re-read the book, Shopping for Time by Mahaney and Girls. She talks about how our friendships need to be categorized that we need to have purposeful relationships. I just don't know HOW to do this. How do I say to these folks who don't fit my "preferences" that I don't want to love and serve them. And why do I get to pick who to serve and how? Isn't that really proud and not trusting--almost as if I'm saying to God, I don't believe that who is in front of me is who YOU want in front of me right now. I want to be full of peace and kindness (that leads me and others to repentance for HIS glory).
4. I've really been wrestling with these ideas and I feel like I'm really slow at times. I say things I don't want to say, I give a look, I don't respond (cuz I don't know how) and I blow it. I don't want to be SOOO moved by little transitions in friendships and little bumps that people have. I want to serve and not expect to be served. I want to trust that God IS sovereign ENOUGH to give me people that he wants to and I'll try my best, with the thought always on my heart of thanksgiving.
PRAY FOR ME. THANKS.