Prayer

Very introspective today. One of those days where it would have been nice to be alone all day. Yes, you heard me, the extrovert, said it. I just wanted to sit and be with God. I was really moved by a book I read last night for devos and was just wanting to cry and be with my comforter. I'm seeming to run out of energy these days at breakneck speed. I feel like a robot at times, going through the motions and trying to keep up with the demands of my husband and children. I feel that if I don't cry or scream, no one listens to my needs. I realize that is very selfish. And that's where I'm at. I want to go get/do something alone. I want my life and don't want it arranged any different, but honestly the amount of work that goes into a day is breaking me. Yesterday I was teasing about the clothes pile, but it's so overwhelming..why is it that complicated? I thought moving to a small space and not buying much would help. Then I'm also (honestly) irritated with my husband for buying gifts at the last minute. I know it's hypocritical, as I do not send mine out on time, but I have thought them through and purchased them ahead of time (like in June) and have hid them in special spots and have anticipated etc.,etc..and he goes to Target today and buys me something. He ALWAYS gets me great things, but I really just want some lip balm or something that he has paid attention to the detail and purchased. I told him I don't want any presents. I really feel blessed with just having Chase and being semi healthy this year.
We started a "why you don't like Christmas" talk. It didn't go well. He asked me this morning (after putting up a Charlie Brown tree that we cut down in the forest that is 5 feet tall and is very wimpy, but it smells great and we've only had it up 1 week) when we can take it down because it's just taking up space!! (don't throw tomatoes at him) I'd love a victorian home and put up with it all year--in terms of cleaning etc.., just for the privilege of hanging those fresh wreaths in the windows and decorating the mantel. Him...a tin tree with a lump of coal will do..and don't buy the tin tree...get a dead one from the forest and steal some silver paint from the trash in the back of home depot! (now I'm really typing funny stuff)
I know what he really wants..a million bucks to let me buy and ship whatever I want without a dent in my budget..BUT... that doesn't happen (probably because I buy so much stuff during the year that there isn't any money left over) so he just doesn't want to waste anymore on a Hallmark pumped up holiday. He just wants the simplicity of it all. I want the simplicity and meaning, PLUS A WHOLE LOT MORE..which isn't simplicity..I realize.
I'm just down too because of my intense feeding schedule..which has been great today and I actually went out and got a hair cut (gasp everyone) and ALAN WATCHED BOTH KIDS..LET ME REPEAT...ALAN WATCHED BOTH KIDS. So, I had a 2 hour break, very needed. I just want some prayer. I want to be grateful for my health and that I can even clean for 5 hours a day and do kids and shopping and meal crafting... just pray that for me! I'm also a pretty selfish gal..some prayer on that might be good. Much love.