God told me a while back that this would be a season of refinement and refreshment. I don't usually hear God too audibly, but in this season for me, I've heard him a bunch of times (makes me cry!).
I've looked to others for so long to satisfy my heart. I've watched how they did things and analyzed their methods to death. Should I be doing it that way? I've compared and contrasted and really sunk some valuable time and energy into satisfying this little voice inside of me, with the wrong thing. I've really sought to define who I am and whether or not it is of "worth" or cool or ______ (fill in the blank) by what others have said and done. It has left me depressed and very lonely.
Let me give you an example. If you are reading this and you think this was you, it wasn't, as the person this happened with, has never read or been invited to my blog. I only say this to point out my need for Christ in this safe place. So, I'm talking with a person on this given Sunday and then someone else comes along and the conversation is dropped. Of course I just say, "see you all later" and the person says, "o.k. bye Lisa" and then that's it. Now, this is a very small example of some patterns that I've seen. After this happens, I feel very sad. My soul is wounded. I think to myself, "why wouldn't this person just finish the conversation with me (albeit boring or whatever) and graciously say, "I'll catch you later if you don't mind, I really need to say hello to ??? over there".
But then my cycle in my mind starts. "Why did she just drop me?" "Am I not worth the time to talk with?" "Am I not cool enough, smart enough, exciting enough? skinny enough? Is my husband not extroverted enough to sit and banter with the guys?" All these thoughts come to my mind.
Then I notice that people say a lot to me that they'll show up to a meeting with me or say they'll do something and don't. I just got so consumed with how others were thinking of me, and what others were doing and that I really got little mini panic attacks about it. At one point, God said to me, "refresh and refine" with ME. You will NEVER get what you need from others. If you continue to get sad and bitter over these situations, and say things you might regret, then you are not a good friend/person to be with either. That is not a scent of the indwelling God. This is not what He's called me to.
So, I know this might seem so boring to read, but God has really been working on dependence on HIM, fully. And that means, doing what I say I'm going to do...not just acting like it. Part of being who God wants me to be is to sit and be with Him so ME can be replaced with HIM. I'm so grateful for some really recent meaningful times of singing with Him, worshiping Him in the reading of the word and other Christian books (Shopping For Time, How People Change, Chronological Bible) and just sitting before Him and telling Him what I think of things and processing out loud with Him instead of with others. Now, not to say that I haven't said things or done things I regret, but I'm just so thankful for the Proverbs and for the lessons that God's been giving me in Kings and the old testament.
"Dear Lord,
Thanks for being my antidepressant. Thanks for being my stabilizer. Thanks for taking my "potty mouth" and "rambling mouth" and forgiving me. Thank you for seeing my heart where it's at and taking me at my word. Thanks for treasuring me. Thank you for giving me Alan who can sift through my banterings and give me clearer words, at times. Thank you for handpicking him for me. Thank you for being my completer and for the stories of the kings that you set in motion many, many years ago and how it's encouraging me and showing me more of who you are...so many years later. Thank you for caring about my silly insecurities. Thank you for giving me confidence that even if I'm one in a million doing things the way I think they should go, you not only forgive me for my arrogance, but help me see how I can honor you in the middle of my opinionated and strong willed ideas. I'm truly unique (and a mess) Lord and yet I've come to not only realize this (by your gentle nudgings) but can't help get a smile on my face knowing you can be the only one to know things I think about and that's o.k... Lord help me lead others to you. Get rid of the obstacles I put in others way that hinders them from knowing you. Please help me continue to learn how to serve cheerfully...especially when I have to wash the high chair down for the 100 th time that day. Amen."
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